I would love to be able to describe to you how I feel about my Lord. I just can't even begin. Maybe I can explain it a little better with a story or two......
I have always been someone who liked to have control. I am not a psycho (no matter what my brother says!) that has to have control of other people. I really don't have to even have "control" of what is going on around me. However, I do like to plan my day, answer to myself ONLY, not have any curve balls thrown at me, no kinks in my plan. Well, in the last year or two, I had a wake up call.
My close friends and family know that I struggle with IBS. A couple years ago, it was out of "control." Actually, I felt it controlled me. But, you know what I learned from that.......nothing controls me, not even me. God is in control of everything, and nothing in the world can hold me.
Really, that was one of the worst times of my life. I can laugh now, but even when I was facing surgery, I told George that if the Lord decided to take me, for him to know that I was better off in Heaven than living that hell on earth caused by my flare-ups. It was seriously that damaging to my mental health. Not that we shouldn't long for Heaven and rescue from this world.
If I had to do it all over again, would I?
Did you expect that answer. When I was going through it, I wouldn't have! In all seriousness, I learned so much through that, so, so much. God showed me that I do need people, and that I can depend on others. He showed me that people really love me and that I need to give them an opportunity to do for me. That was hard. I like to be needed and do for others, but the reverse is.....hard. He showed me how valuable my husband was to me, and how I could need him, depend on him, submit to him, be obedient to him. All of this, I certainly mean in compliance with God's word. My marriage has been strengthened through this. My relationship with my parents has been strengthened through this. Me.....I have changed, and I hope that I have not been strengthened, but weakened.
God showed me that He is in control by completely taking away any control I thought I had. I am so thankful for that! You know I can breath now! I don't have to worry about this or that. I don't have to obsess over the details and stress myself out. As my father-in-law says, "It'll be what it'll be." Profound! Sit back, relax, God is in the driver seat. You could probably even close your eyes...........
OK, that is sort of a past example....now.....one from today......as a matter of fact, this very day.
God is moving in me! As I type, I feel the tears well-up in my eyes. I don't know what all He has planned for me, I don't know what the future holds, I don't know when or how or why. I do know that I like it. I love you so much God! Why do you love me!?!
Our revival started today. Oh, Lord! I really want to live and breath You. As Charlie says I want to be "sold out" for You. I am not worthy, I am doubtful of whether or not I am able, I am scared, I am hopeful, I am cautious, I am not sure if I am ready........I am willing. Oh God! I don't know where you are going to take me. I don't know what it will take to break me. I am scared......Lord I believe, help thou mine unbelief.
This may sound like a bunch of rambling.....I guess it is. I don't know how to say it. I don't know how to express what I feel. I just know that He is moving in me, and I want to be obedient, and I want to kick "self" to the curb. I am such a loyal person. Now I want to be loyal where and to Who it counts.
God is so good to me!